Recently, I asked a group of ordinary American women to
describe their significant others' most annoying characteristics. The responses
were startling, not for their content but for the loathing I observed in these
usually pleasant, well-adjusted people. If you want to see the red gleam of
murder in someone's eyes, if you want chilling insight into the thinness and
fragility of the civilized veneer that glosses over humanity's primal drives,
don't read Greek tragedy or visit death row. Just listen to a few nice, normal
folks talk about the way their spouses fake a Cockney accent, reuse unwashed
underwear, or repeat every joke three times.
As we pledge our undying devotion to our partners, it
might be wise to acknowledge the flashes of vile, indefensible hatred we
occasionally feel toward them. Acknowledging them while they're still small can
help us deal with them responsibly. Denying their existence allows them to grow
until they overwhelm our social niceties, turning us into various
manifestations of the Incredible Hulk.
Do you want to
reach that point? If not, read on and follow these steps...
Find the Meaning in Maddening Moments
Tom and Jerri were furious at each other. On their way to
my office, they'd stopped for a cup of coffee. Tom had also purchased a
newspaper and flipped to the sports page, holding out the front section and
asking Jerri, "Do you want to look at this?" At that point, Jerri
burst into tears, all communication ceased, and the couple was officially at war.
Clearly, this had nothing to do with the newspaper.
However, the coffee shop incident was an excellent "access point" for
figuring out the core issues that were causing conflict. The key to this
process is simply asking each person to describe, in detail, the meaning he or
she gives to an event.
"He never gives me his full attention," Jerri
said. "He finds anything to distract him—traffic, the sports page,
whatever. And then he gives me the rest of the paper, like he thinks I'm behind
on current events."
Tom's jaw dropped. The motives Jerri had ascribed to his
actions had nothing to do with his real intentions. "All I wanted to do
was check the baseball scores—my dad and I used to do that. I gave Jerri the
rest of the paper because my mom always read it."
Likewise, when Jerri began to cry, Tom knew that, as he
put it, "she was accusing me of being a bad husband, trying to control
me." This could not have been further from Jerri's intent. "I needed
his attention for five minutes over breakfast. If I get that, I feel close to
him all day."
What to Do
Like Tom and Jerri, you'll often find that the behavior
you don't like is triggering insecurities, fears, or unfinished grief. The next
time you feel hatred flaring up, wait until you're no longer frothing mad, then
calmly check whether the meaning you attach to events is the same as your
partner's intention, listen to the response, and then suggest alternatives that
might meet both your needs. This technique can turn a maddening moment into an
opportunity for deeper mutual understanding and a significantly happier
relationship.
Source: Oprah
