Reader's Mail: My Marriage Is Agonizing

Follow @RhippleMedia

Dear Rhipplemedia Reader,

This is a very difficult and painful letter to write. In November 2011, for the first time I began speaking with my family about the troubles in my marriage which have persisted for 6 years. I held back on speaking all these years for these reasons:

1.       I was afraid of bringing shame onto my family and myself

2.       I felt that once I started speaking everything I had built would unravel - my nuclear family, my life work, my social network.

3.       He had convinced me that my family would turn against me and side him.

4.       I still had hope that things would get better

5.       We come from a family where we believe in protecting the image of our spouse. I had no example of anyone speaking ill of their spouse (a very good trait when you are happily married)

6.       I believed in the institution of marriage and believed that my marriage was within gods will and was I still hoping for the best - I was in denial.

7.       I was not experienced enough in relationships to know I was getting a really raw deal - especially since all I kept hearing is how difficult marriage is – so I figured mine was no different.

I have decided to put this in writing to help me to be as complete as possible as i share my experiences over the last six years. Ever since I started speaking out about these problems I have felt a burden lifted because I no longer have to keep holding up the facade. I am eternally grateful to mom and dad for being an amazing force of love in my life and demonstrating during this particular period incredible love, comfort and strength. I am grateful to Dede for seeing me through my pregnancy and essentially being my nurse, friend and father through it all. I am grateful to *Dada and *Bibi for being supporters and prayer warriors in the back ground.

I met *Adam on July 31^st 2004. By the end of that year I shared with you all that we had begun a relationship and that he had asked me to marry him. In December that year *Adam came to my village accompanied by his parents and uncle and aunt to ask our parents and the entire village for my hand in marriage (the knocking on the door). We went on to plan a wedding that took place in June of 2005.

*Adam was very very eager to marry. He wanted to start a family right away. He did not want to date and mentioned severally that we should date after we marry stating that this was the christian thing to do. When I decided to marry him, what I saw was a mature 40year old man who I thought would be grown up sensible, stable and ready to settle down to build a home. Someone who had learned from his mistakes and was determined not to repeat them.

I will admit that prior to marriage I did not have sufficient experience in the relationship world. I had been very careful, very focused, very committed to the idea towards marriage (this probably scared off a lot of guys!), terrified of making mistakes and very afraid of joining up with anyone that would bring shame to my family. I only really had about 2 serious relationship prior to *Adam. As a result of this naivety I was unable to catch red flags on time and navigate properly once problems arose.

For the last six year of marriage to *Adam I have been a source of positive reinforcement, a cheerleader, a supporter of all his ideas (even though his parents only thought negatively towards his plans). I have been generous with my resources and towards him and his family. I have given him significance. I never spoke ill of him to avoid him getting a bad name. I was also committed to fulfilling his dream of a family and children to carry his last name. I was committed to establishing him and helping him achieve any unfulfilled goals. Throughout the marriage *Adam has refused me a secure attachment to him or his family, remaining not transparent, unaccountable, and showing empathy or remorse.

What I got in return has been as follows;

A Lack of a Secure Attachment to *Adam

Soon after our wedding (within weeks) *Adam started showing a different side. He complained vehemently about the bride price he paid in *Konoha. He said he would not do any favours for my parents and warned me not to spend money on my family. I felt bad about the fact that he and his people had refused to pay any bride price until they were forced to. He said that they were setting the stage so that the people from *Konoha will not keep asking for stuff. I also started noticing that when my lady friends came by, he was more excited to see them than I was. Then he started comparing my body shape to that of other women. My self esteem dropped. I kept trying to look better but always felt worse.

He rejected me sexually from this time till today. I was made to feel unattractive and unworthy of intimacy. From the beginning of the marriage till today this never changed. No matter how much weight I lost or make-up I put on or nice clothes I put on, I was never attractive enough to him.  I always had to initiate intimacy and the majority of the time he would reject me. He constantly complained of my being fat not attractive enough. While pregnant for both the first child, the miscarriage and second child, I was very very sick with hyperemesis gravidarum.

I threw up at least 3 times a day.*Adam was very unsympathetic about my illness and did all he could to get away from me and leave for Lagos when we lived in Abuja. He said he needed space and that I was choking him. He hardly ever made it home from work before 10pm - and on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays all belts were off - he would return between 1pm and 3pm on a regular basis. When I asked him why he was always out at night - he would become defensive and belligerent and tell me that he is 12 years older than me and that no one tells him what to do and that I cants stop him from being with his friends and that he only goes out for music and friends and that no Jupiter can stop him - not me, not his parents no one! 2 years into the marriage I moved out of the master bedroom to have my own room just so that I could reduce the rejection and have a place where I was accepted. No point being in the master bedroom when I cried myself to sleep alone in bed on many nights. In addition, *Adam would always side with other people against me - drivers, cooks, workers etc. He never trusted my opinion and preferred that of outsiders (friends, acquaintances, family etc). *Adam never wanted form agreement with me. He would rather agree with his parents and siblings against me. I soon realized that I the man I married wanted me to have to no influence on him and wanted me to remain shut down and subservient.

 

He often told me to just be a wife, to “kwiri ugwu bata”. When our first son was 1yr old he started insisting that he wanted another child. I told him that my back was still hurting from the injury of the epidural (this injury lasted 3years from our first child’s birth). To please him I went ahead with it and carried a pregnancy that lasted 9 weeks and resulted in a miscarriage. He was unsympathetic after the miscarriage and felt I should have carried that baby - he reluctantly paid for the D and C surgery. Before I got pregnant he would say that if I did not want to get pregnant there are many other women who could have his children. He also said that I would not have his love if I did not have more children. Other times he would say that its either I lose the weight or get pregnant because I was too fat.

His mother also complained about my being fat. It became clear to me that what he and his family wanted me for was the children. I soon became fearful that they might get rid of me. It was the day after the miscarriage that we had a very big fight. I was bleeding and in so much pain. I could not find him. I called and called. He refused to take my calls. He ended coming home after 1am. He peeped into my room to confirm I was asleep. Thinking that I was asleep, he proceeded into the study where he called his brother on the phone. He started telling his brother about his sexual experiences and how great it was and how he now knows why married men are afraid to get HIV tests. Upon hearing that I filled with anger and regret for marrying such a selfish and unsympathetic person that and I used a chair to hit the door and broke the door.

Constant Night-clubbing and Bars and Night Crawling

Soon after (within 3 months of marriage) I started noticing that *Adam was going out to night clubs at every opportunity. Soon drinks with the “guys” became a daily activity and he would stay out till between 1am and 3am at least 3 times a week. There were many days he would leave in the middle of the night after we had both gone to bed. I would look to his side of the bed and he was gone. With all this, my self esteem suffered further and, I started staying away from my friends because I did not want to share with them what I had been going through. I also stopped going to weddings because of what I had experienced.

When I questioned him about being out all the time, he would become angry, belligerent, and say that he does not have to answer to me or his parents or anyone and that he is a grown man and is 12 year my senior. After such arguments, I learned to shut up and take it all in and cry myself to sleep most nights. This drama has continued for 6 years and nothing has changed in this area. His behavior is the same and his response to my questions the same.

Constant Character Assassination and Back-biting

Also soon after we got married, I noticed that he did not want to form agreement with me. Rather he wanted to agree with his parents and siblings against me. He started complaining to them chronically about me and then he would come and tell me all their complaints about me - essentially setting us up for a failed relationship so that he could avoid accountability (this I just realized a few months ago). I held everything in thinking he would come to his senses one day and that the stronghold his family has over him would ease up. I did not realize that he was willingly giving in to the stronghold so that could escape the commitment of marriage and avoid accountability. It was all like a big chess match.

In recent times it has become clear to me that *Adam is more interested in women and partying that I could have ever imagined and he used the family feuds which he created to cover this up so that I would constantly think that the source of our problems was that his family. He set me up really good.

Him and his parents and siblings (with exception of his younger brother) all ganged up against me. They seem to have a very negative outlook on marriage and dislike all the in-laws. They have given a rough time to all the spouses married into the family.

The Kids

It has been incredibly difficult to parent these kids with a husband like *Adam who is constantly running away from day to day responsibility and has to be begged to get involved. I also noticed soon after our first son was born that he does consider safety much with kids. We had a fight over him taking our first child on a dangerous boat ride at 8 months of age. He insisted he would take him and after much argument I gave up. That was when I realized that he is more interested in looking good to other people than protecting his family and his children. He wanted to take the baby there to show him off to others.

His lack of concentration on his nuclear family and his contact need for fun, partying, womanizing, showing off, outward orientation and extreme extroversion have been our greatest source of fights. It was this lack of responsibility that caused me to start traveling with my children. Everyone wondered how I was able to manage - the truth is that I had no choice. If my children were to survive, I had to take them with me - or leave them with my parents whenever they were around. *Adam was not going to take the time to look after them at delicate stage - someone who is out all night cannot look after children. In 2006 2 weeks after our first child was born *Adam took off to Nigeria. When I returned on my own with the baby, he wanted nothing to do with the day to day responsibilities of parenting. He left everything to me - without empathy. I soon realized that I was a single parent. I was doing my best to please him and his family but I was constantly being blamed for everything that went wrong - by him and his family.

When I needed help with *Adam Jnr, he left it all to me and the nightclubbing and carousing got even worse. I started Friends Africa and had so much more responsibility added as a new social entrepreneur. There were times when I would ask *Adam if he could travel with me to help me with the kids - expenses covered by me. On 3 occasions he ended up abandoning me with the children. I have been abandoned with the kids in Switzerland, Durban, SA and Washington DC. At these times *Adam decided within less than a days notice to return back - leaving me stranded with the kids and having to find nannies on short notice. 

Of note is when in Switzerland he informed me the night before that he needed to fly back to Nigeria and in Washington DC he told me the night before to take the 2 kids with me to my course in North Carolina on an 8hr train ride while pregnant. Lack of empathy at all. There was also a time when *Adam Jnr broke a bone in school and *Adam took off to South Africa same day without caring to even see *Adam Jnr’s hand. He has never made management of the kids a priority - that my job as far as he is concerned. I also get concerned because *Adam always goes to bars and clubs that he may expose my kids to same - he has suggested taking *Adam Jnr to a bar and I had to fight against it. The movies *Adam watches always have tons of violence and sexual content. I have had to fight for the kids not to be exposed to that and to be kept safe from his lack of care.

There was so much pressure on me to perform at work and at home - I felt all alone. The travel associated with the work was constant and tasking. When I asked *Adam to go with me so he could help with the baby he would agree and then when we get there he would abandon me. He did this in Durban South Africa Oct 2006 and in Switzerland in December 2006. In Switzerland he informed me the night before my meetings were to start that he needed to head back to Nigeria and then he took off in the morning. I was stranded and had to find someone to help with *Adam Jnr on short notice. Most recently in June 2011, he asked me to bring the kids to the US so he could hang out with them while I attended my course in North Carolina for 7 days. He came from SA to Lagos and we all traveled to DC where his parents were. Again the night before I was to get on an 8 hr train to NC for a course, he told me to take the kids with me claiming he might have to fly out. I was stranded and left looking for nannies online on short notice.

Bad Friendships

He is married to his friend *Frances with whom he makes plans to meet up with various women

Lack of Value for the Institution of Marriage

He has refused counseling constantly for 6 years - telling me he knows all about marriage and that no one can tell him how to run his marriage

Lack of a Secure Attachment to his Family (Bullying)

*Adam has always stood with his parents and siblings to bully me and fight me. In his very own words “ Kwi ugwu bata” kneel down and respect us to come in. Going to their village for me is like leading a lamb to the slaughter. I have made it clear that I do not want to be buried there. I must be taken back to my village. His parents are extremely negative and do not get along with their in-laws. Those who are married to their children, i.e. in-laws have thrown them out in the middle of the night, and disappeared to other states to avoid them and fought them to a standstill or be broken by them. I have feared for my life. 

His sisters and his parents support all his wrong doings - his brother is the only rational one. His parents are skilled with putting doubt, strife and fear into their children’s relationships. His mother always tells me that I have not come into the family yet. His mom reports me to various people saying that I am trying to break their family and that there is nothing good about me. She told me that all of us who married her children are jealous of her and her family. She constantly refuses to see any good in me. I have done numerous things to please them like buying them gifts, tiling their church, giving them money, show up smiling with compliments.

They can never be pleased and instead they always want to remove the smile from my face.

They make fun of my siblings and my parents and where I come from.  They have tried to break me. His father always says that *Konoha people are dishonest - he once asked me whether my compound has not yet closed with the death of Joe. Mother says I am not yet in family - says it took her 20 yrs to have her home that I am just coming. With *Adam Jnr and Ian they antagonized me over the naming of my children.

They wanted to pick the name and wanted proof that it was in the passport. 

I showed them all this. When it came time to christen them, they rejected the god parents we chose and brought along their own set of god parents. They are constantly telling us not to stop in *Konoha. Several times they tried to stop me from visiting my hometown once I reached my husband’s hometown. Essentially they used bullying tactics and psychological warfare to try to break me. The lord has been my strength. When I told his Father about *Adam’s nightclubbing and lack of investments, he said that he goes out because I am stressing him out and that he has not made investments because I make too many suggestions to him.

Constant Womanizing

He took a women he brought to my house to Egypt flew her on business class with him for a conference and was sending her emails about what he wants to do with her.

Lack of Financial Investments

He will not invest to save his life. Lives for the day he wire funds to his brother telling him to buy a house in *Adam Jnr’s name Father asked him to buy house in his hometown. In 2010, I insisted we buy land in Lagos. Spent USD$3000 per week in SA.

Impact of this burden

Feels like the world is on my shoulders

Lack of Accountability

Has no spiritual connection to God - never skips church but will never let anything said in church sink into him. Will not do anything beyond attend church - never explore the word of God - not a true christian and not born again. I apologize to him when he does me wrong - no accountability, no transparency and no remorse.

Lack of Agreement Between Husband and Wife

No agreement between man and wife

He never left his mother and father to marry his wife - he serves two masters. Upset with how much I spend on food when pregnant yet he spends more in night clubbing

His friend *Frances is his real wife - all his counsel comes from him

I don’t regret waiting 6 years to tell my family that things have been quite bad. In doing so, I honored my marriage vows and gave my husband all manner of significance and respect inspite of his refusing me a secure attachment. Man is made to seek significance and woman to seek security

*Eve in a Troubled Marriage

(* Real names changed)

Please Advice her Like She Is Your Sister....