1)
Do Not Marry Potential:
Oftentimes men consider
marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers
marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on
both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re
married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no
guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In
fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine
living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences
can include a number of things such as ideological or practical
differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
2)
Choose Character over Chemistry:
While
chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes
them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but
character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never
be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse
infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to
look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness.
Here’s a breakdown of each trait:
Humility: The humble
person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by
them. They put their values and principles above convenience and
comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
Kindness: The
kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and
minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how
they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude
towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then
know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they
treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales
associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they
deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s
anger?
Responsibility: A responsible person has stability
in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely
on this person and trust what they say.
Happiness: A happy
person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about
themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have
rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.
3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner:
Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership
to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental
emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional
need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel
loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, &
Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs:
Respect, Reassurance, & Relief.
It is the obligation of each
partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as
well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the
other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes
seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged
to fulfill his intimate desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously
the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give
her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working
together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans:
In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a
common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow
together.
You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself,
“Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
The
more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs,
your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life
partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
5) Avoid Pre-Marital intimate/Physical Activity:
Recognize
that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain
from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well
as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship
between a man and a woman.
Aside from the obvious spiritual
consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time,
important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go
to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes
difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about
them.
Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or intimate commitment.
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection:
There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
Do
I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be
vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If
the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until
you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel
safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust
now, this won’t change when you are married!
7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety:
Choosing
someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a
long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the
foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe,
you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify
whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have
to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t
really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s
very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following
things:
Controlling behavior: This includes controlling
the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear
your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference
between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control
and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be
consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive
personalities.
Anger issues: This is someone who raises
their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses
anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t
have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate
this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the
case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those
issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting
married.
8) Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner:
Many
couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for
discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be
absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about
this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify
what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid
to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion
about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your
relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great
opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and
work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame
each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also
important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of
each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it?
Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get
annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or
rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch
for how they say it!
9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility:
It’s
very important to remember no one else is responsible for your
happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will
fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for
getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a
single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are
married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like
yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s
important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving
those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these
issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.
10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner:
Many
people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available.
One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional
ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people
in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly
dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage;
this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are
the following:
Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside.
These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the
ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with
their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a
perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are
critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often
distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about
them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a
sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take
care of them and they don’t.
They feel burdened by other people’s needs
and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally
available to build healthy relationships.
Addictions can also
limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong
emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not
limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and
dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power,
status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not
and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship
with you!
Additional Points to Consider:
The fact is
no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for
more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and
admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
Once
we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it
all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in
front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others,
is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean
about their character?”
Never separate someone from their family,
background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can
clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple
lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you
help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
Be flexible. Be open-minded!
Giving
in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should
be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of
your connection with them.
Morality and spirituality are the
qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and
health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your
side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and
doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you
expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you?
The ideal partner is
someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a
mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful
marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws
of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and
self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the
relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding
commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a
relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
